Preface: The Biggest Mistake I Ever Made.

In the summer of 2014, standing in the basement of my tiny adorable downtown Coeur d’Alene rental home, I decided to do something incredibly stupid. Amid all of my mess were three journals I’d written throughout elementary school, middle school & high school. I looked at them in disgust, wishing I’d been someone else – someone less dramatic, less dark, less needy, etc. I hated what I had been, & even more I hated that I’d documented all of it. Why keep these to look back on when I need to move forward with my life & be the amazing person I know I can be? Why consider looking through the pages – into all of the bullying, crushes that never went anywhere & the constant need to feel like I belonged when I was finally at a place where I knew I’d made it? I was the best version of myself right here & now.

I threw my journals away that day – into a garbage bin. Like a total idiot.

Looking back, I often think about the trip those journals took to the dump, into our landfill… now decomposing into dust. There is nothing I can do about it. I regret it. But if that hadn’t happened, would I be here? Would I have finally made this decision to write it all down again? I’m not sure.

That decision lead to me not journaling anymore; it lead to me pretending like I remember nothing about my childhood, while completely & purposely blocking out the previous four years. It also lead me to last month, where I started writing down everything I could possibly remember, location by location. From Seattle to St. Maries; Heyburn Elementary to Coeur d’Alene High School. I remember more than I could possibly realize. And the more I write, the more happiness it brings me. How could I have let myself go almost a decade without trying again?

This is my trying again.

Cheers to beautiful words, to the ability to blog, to write, to reminisce. But mostly, cheers to the way it all makes me feel. Writing has ALWAYS been my therapy. How I could have ever let it evade me for so long, I will never know.

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